The Stimulus Series

Until recently, I had always viewed art as separate from my intellect; a talent absconded from the workable value; an irrelevant “1” to multiply the entire equation of my purpose by - implying that the element of creativity I possess is null in my “true” value. But I have come now to the conclusion that such an idea is inherently flawed. To compartmentalize our attributes is to take away from our big picture, even if characteristics veer from ‘intelligent’ to ‘sporadic’ to ‘creative’ to 'wild.’ 

This series is an amalgamation of those combatting elements that have been meticulously quilted together to make Me. I am excited to present my first formal study in three and a half years as part of this portfolio of creative works. This study called: ‘The Stimulus Series’ is born specifically of two subjects, Mindfulness and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Over the course of the last 18 months, there has been a perceptual shift in my cognition. Not based on trauma or moment on a mountaintop, or in a flooding, bleeding valley. But rather, through a process of sight and cognition - one I cannot unsee or erase. In the wash of privileges I have encountered through the most recent chapter of my life, I have seen more - of substance - than I can remember seeing in all the years leading up to it. I can remember hearing differently before, and hearing different things. I can remember a different richness to smell, and a sense of taste akin to the color scheme of a loaf of bread: grainy, defined, filling - bland. As I boarded planes and scored safari’s, scaled peaks and ran as far and fast as one could - sound and color began to behave differently.

Until recently, I had always viewed art as separate from my intellect; a talent absconded from the workable value; an irrelevant “1” to multiply the entire equation of my purpose by - implying that the element of creativity I possess is null in my “true” value. But I have come now to the conclusion that such an idea is inherently flawed. To compartmentalize our attributes is to take away from our big picture, even if characteristics veer from ‘intelligent’ to ‘sporadic’ to ‘creative’ to 'wild.’ 

This series is an amalgamation of those combatting elements that have been meticulously quilted together to make Me. I am excited to present my first formal study in three and a half years as part of this portfolio of creative works. This study called: ‘The Stimulus Series’ is born specifically of two subjects, Mindfulness and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Over the course of the last 18 months, there has been a perceptual shift in my cognition. Not based on trauma or moment on a mountaintop, or in a flooding, bleeding valley. But rather, through a process of sight and cognition - one I cannot unsee or erase. In the wash of privileges I have encountered through the most recent chapter of my life, I have seen more - of substance - than I can remember seeing in all the years leading up to it. I can remember hearing differently before, and hearing different things. I can remember a different richness to smell, and a sense of taste akin to the color scheme of a loaf of bread: grainy, defined, filling - bland. As I boarded planes and scored safari’s, scaled peaks and ran as far and fast as one could - sound and color began to behave differently.

“You’ve been an athlete, artist, and busy bee your entire life; you circumnavigated the globe at the age of 20/21 alone for all intents and purposes; you’ve had your heart shattered and taped back together - and now you’re paralyzed with fear, doubt, tremors, and what you called a daily nightmare - but not because a trauma got hold of you, because your mind and body finally fell out of sync. I don’t think you ‘just have anxiety,’ or ‘just have panic attacks sometimes’ - you have a why just like everyone else, and its possible that you’re paralyzed by a barrage of heavy stimulus.”

Stimulus. Paralysis. Fear. Grief. Color. Sound. Narrative. Overload.

While I would much rather have been diagnosed with something that I can cure, I have found (with asking for, accepting and embracing help) that the inevitable continuation of my over-stimulation is not necessarily bad. In listening to the rest of the Counselor’s explanation, six audiobooks, watching two documentaries, and paying attention to the stream of consciousness between my ears, I have been able to start mapping the way to contentment. As visits to The Chair continued, we figured out that I am hyperaware of my senses - an unbelievably tangible concept, unlike math. We figured out the “perceptual shift” I had mentioned was a combination of my mind and body readjusting to the world with the unfortunate side effects of an exhausted bones and loud internal dialogue between my ears.

Instead of attempt to silence my mental dialogue though, I decided to explore it; strengthen its rhetoric; harness its power; turn it to hyper - macro - giga - nova - mode; grand-er, grandeur in value. And the dialogue spoke art back into existence. Art as Mindfulness. Mindfulness as Stillness. And so it goes.

As part and parcel of the mindfulness I am charged with practicing: trying to be functional, running hours a day, sitting in silence, bringing silence to my stream of consciousness long enough to read, write, and calculate - I get to “art my way to clarity” in order to process my new, more vibrant, novel world of stimulus.

This series is my exploration through my world of synesthetic sensation and stimulation in art, and a process of celebrating the less statistically valuable, but truthfully far more special parts of my Self.

#stimulus #artiststatement #ADHD #mindfulness #meditation